Sickness
by The Oni
Summary: A chat with the Shinigami leads Naruto to some interesting information.
1. Chapter 1

Sickness

I do not own Naruto. That is all.

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Naruto groaned as he got to his feet. He hadn't expected summoning the Shinigami to be quite so violent. As the pain in his head subsided, he looked around to get his bearings. An infinite plane surrounded him, occupied by a single other being. Naruto stared into a face of the ultimate reality, the taker of lives, a being that struck fear into the hearts of every living being.

"Hey ugly! I need to talk to you!"

Almost every living being.

The shinigami stared at the human before him as if he was some kind of fascinating new bug. After a few minutes, it spoke.

_"And just what do you want, little mortal? Come to offer yourself up early, perhaps?"_

"Nah. I've been sent on a mission to get information."

_"And you believe that I possess this information?"_

"The fourth Hokage knows what I'm looking for. You ate his soul about eighteen years ago, right? 'To be digested in torment for all eternity'? If I could just get you to throw him up for a few minutes, I'd be really grateful."

The shinigami sighed. Summoned creatures were required to be honest with their summoner, no matter what the circumstances. This was going to wreak havoc with his reputation as a remorseless, uncompromising god of death.

_"I let him go."_

Naruto stared in disbelief.

"You _what?_"

_"I let him go. He did me a great service, and in thanks, I let him go."_

Now it was Naruto's turn to sigh. His mission was going to fail because the shinigami of all beings had had a moment of conscience. Still, maybe he could pull out some useful information out of this after all. Being able to summon the Shinigami without being digested for all eternity might come in handy.

"What did he do for you? I don't exactly see you as a forgiving type."

_"He helped me locate the Kyuubi so I could seal her away. I'd been searching for her for centuries."_

"What? Why on earth would you want to seal the Kyuubi away?"

_"The Kyuubi represented a threat to us immortals, demons and gods alike. She had been infected with a… disease that slowly eroded her sanity, and she was spreading it amongst some of the most powerful immortals. When we tried to capture her, she fled to a place unknown to us. Unknown, that is, until your Fourth Hokage summoned me to seal her away. I suppose it was fortunate for us that she chose to… attack… your village."_

"What could she possible have that would do that to her?" Naruto blinked. "Wait… her?!"

The shinigami chuckled.

_"Yes. Her. The Kyuubi is indeed female. As for what she has…"_

The shinigami's cheeks turned an even darker grey colour. Given his experiences with Hinata, Naruto would have sworn that the shinigami was blushing.

_"Uh… Well… The closest thing disease that you mortals have is…"_ The shinigami trailed off, mumbling something entirely unintelligible.

"Sorry, didn't quite catch that."

_"Uh… Syphilis."_

"Isn't that…"

_"Yes."_

"Oh."

Naruto stared at the Shinigami. There was a highly uncomfortable pause. "So, you're telling me, that I have a demoness sealed within me, and Yondaime got away with sealing her because she's a nasty slut?"

_"Basically. Don't worry, though. The seal makes it completely impossible for the Kyuubi to transfer her… problem… to you."_

"Let me be quite clear on this, I have a horny demoness in my stomach?"

_"Yes."_

"Who's completely insane?"

_"Yes."_

"That I've spent the last two years breaking to my will?"

_"Err… Yes?"_

"And I have the spiritual equivalent of an unbreakable condom?"

_"I suppose s… Hey, wait just a minute now…"_

"I have to go now… Home. Yeah. Home... I'll see you later. Shinigami… guy… thing."

_"Don't you dare defile my seal like… UZUMAKI NARUTO, YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!"_

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End.

Err... Yeah. I wanted to include a line about how the Kyuubi was attracted to the giant, phallic shaped Hokage tower, but I just couldn't quite fit it in. (re-reads line, sweatdrops).

Oh, and syphilis actually will make you crazy. So, as a PSA, remember, kiddies! Use protection, or the thing that turns green and falls off might be a giant purple elephant!

Special thanks to Reikson, who pointed out that it isn't, in fact, gonorrhea that makes you crazy, but syhilis. Which just goes to show you, syphilis may make you crazy, but not sleeping before proofing your fic will just make you look stupid. ;)

The Oni.


	2. Chapter 2

I honestly didn't think I'd write any more of this. It still have one more chapter left for this little ficlet, too.

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Naruto shot up from his reclined position, having just ended his talk with the shinigami. He quickly regretted this move as he immediately clutched his head and gave out a low moan. It seemed that it would hurt to contact the shinigami, coming and going.

"Naruto!"

"Owww... Could you tone it down a little, Obaa-chan? Please?"

"Sorry," said Tsunade, without a trace of apology in her voice. "So, did you find what you were looking for?"

"Unfortunately, no. It seems that the shinigami released Yondaime right after the Kyuubi was sealed."

Tsunade eyed Naruto with a trace of disbelief.

"It actually said that?"

Naruto nodded.

"So, Hokage-sama, can I go and get something to eat? Maybe lie down for a bit? Summoning that stupid thing took a lot out of me."

Tsunade blinked at the honorific. Naruto never called her that unless he was hiding something. Generally something that would upset her, and bring her furious wrath upon him. Even the legendary sucker could read Naruto's tells. Unfortunately, as had been proven at the last mahjong session, reading someone is completely useless when they always have a winning hand.

"Hmm... Hungry, huh. Well, how about I treat you to some ramen?"

Naruto hesitated before nodding vigorously, something that alarmed Tsunade greatly. Had the death god imparted some other information on Naruto? Something about herself, perhaps? Surely he didn't know what she wanted to do to him, right? She had hidden it so well!

"C'mon, Naruto. Let's go get that ramen."

Naruto nodded, resigning himself to the admittedly not unpleasant fate that awaited him. Walking together out of the front entrance, he couldn't resist one last glance over his shoulder at what he hoped would be his tower one day soon.

The cylindrical tower.

The tall, cylindrical tower.

The tall, cylindrical tower, standing proudly over the rest of Konoha.

Naruto stopped and stared at the Hokage tower, before he burst out laughing.

"What is it, Naruto?"

"I think I just figured out why the Kyuubi attacked us..."

Naruto laughed, as he wondered how much disinfectant would have been required to scrub down the tower if the Kyuubi had made it all the way to her objective.

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A/N:

The most disturbing yet humourous reason I can think of for the Kyuubi attacking Konoha. One more chapter left to go!


	3. Chapter 3

Sickness

I do not own Naruto.

Here it is, folks, the third and final chapter of Sickness. Time to see how many of my readers yell at me for this.

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Naruto wolfed down his ramen, ignoring the dazed Tsunade sitting next to him. After being forced to explain exactly what was so damn funny about the Kyuubi attack, she had almost mechanically followed him to Ichiraku's ramen stand, where he proceeded to order his usual. Which was pretty much Ichiraku's entire stock of ramen for the day. Tsunade kept mumbling something about how she would never be able to look at the hokage tower again.

Naruto, however was otherwise occupied.

He had just learned the most facinating and important thing that an 18 year old could ever learn. An easy source of no strings attached sex. With a woman far more experienced than he.

What more could he ask for?

Now all he needed to do was figure out how he could get away from Tsunade-baa.

"Hokage-sama, I was -"

"Architects!" Tsunade interrupted, a wild gleam in her eyes.

"Huh?"

"If I have the tower torn down, I won't have to gouge out my own eyes! I need architects to design me a new tower! In a pleasing square or polygonal shape no more than two stories high!"

"Err... Right. So, I'm done eating. If I could just go home..."

Tsunade just nodded, lost in her own world. A world where architecture didn't resemble a sex toy in any way.

Naruto, completely oblivious to the danger signs being emitted by his superior, happily complied, and dashed home, eager to see if he could charge his tennant her 'rent'.

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Naruto sat down and attempted to clear his mind. Years of practice had made entering a meditative state easy under normal circumstances, but that meant nothing compared to his current excitement.

After several long minutes of nothing happening, Naruto gave a frustrated sigh. He just couldn't relax. But maybe...

Naruto got up, and walked to his medicine cabinet. Opening it up revealed the standard ninja requirements: Bandages, disinfectants, and pain killers. Also one bottle of sleeping pills, as his natural hyperactivity occasionally prevented him sleeping without aid. Naruto quickly grabbed one pill and downed it with some water, congratulating himself for his genius, before settling down to meditate again.

Moments later, Naruto found himself in the Kyuubi's jail, and blithely walked up to her cage.

"Hey, fox... I hear you have a problem. I want to help you with it."

Naruto looked expectantly as the giant fox, mentally cheering himself on. He was going to _score_!

The Kyuubi in turn stared at Naruto, mentally cheering herself on. She was privy to all his thoughts, being locked in the cage of his mind. She was going to _score_!

"Come in, Naruto... kun.

Naruto happily walked into the cage, practically tearing off his shirt as he did so.

"Ok, just take human form, and we can get this on!"

The Kyuubi stared at Naruto for a few seconds.

"Human form?"

"Yeah, your human form!"

"But Naruto-kun... I can't take human form."

"WHAT???"

Naruto began to back towards the cage doors. Seeing her potential nookie getting ready to flee, The kyuubi quickly blocked passage to the gate with her tails, preventing Naruto from leaving.

"Don't worry... You'll learn to love the fox..."

Naruto attempted to break the mental link, and found he couldn't. His last thought before the Kyuubi descended on him was _"Those fucking sleeping pills."_

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The next day found Naruto again eating at Ichiraku ramen, with large, dark circles under his eyes, and an absolutely horrified expression on his face. Hinata was sitting next to him, staring worriedly at her long time crush. He had been mumbling to himself for the last hour, and had only eaten _three bowls of ramen!_ She had almost worked up the courage to ask him what was wrong when he slammed down his hands on the counter.

"Ok, that's it! From now on, I only chase after shy, introverted girls!"

Hinata nearly passed out at Naruto's declaration. Could he mean... Did he...

Hinata stared as Naruto walked out of the stand, into the streets.

"Hey, Anko-chan! Wanna get some dango?"

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The End.

Coming up: For those of you who have actually looked at my profile in the past, you may notice that I've been saying that I'll post a story called "Nine Kinds of Hell" in my profile (a claim that's been there in one form or another since late 2005, in fact). Just in case anyone wants to read anything else I've done after this travesty, I feel the urge to warn you: "Nine Kinds of Hell" is not a comedy, although it may _rarely_ have comedic elements. NKOH is _not_ going to be a happy story. It'll have a happy ending, for a certain definition thereof. It's also my attempt to do what very, very, very few people have managed to do. Write a NaruHina that doesn't suck. I honestly love the pairing, and _abhor_ most of the stories, as they tend to be either boring, repetitive, unoriginal, too quick on the pairing, or just written badly.

Sadly, I'm not happy with the prologue for Nine Kinds, so I haven't posted any of it yet. Which leads me ask you, the reader, should I: skip the prologue, and then go back and post it after I've figured out how to fix it? Start posting the story anyway? Club a baby seal?

Feel free to email me with your suggestion, as I recognize that not everyone likes to post their opinions on an open forum such as the review section.

And now, some thanks the people who made this story possible:

The Auditor, for being my excellent beta, on both this and NKOH. And for offering to deliver savage beatings unless I posted something.

The Rantling, for being the other sounding board for my ideas, offering the best in help and outlandish melodrama.

Readers like you. No, not you. You there in the corner. Yes. _You_. Don't think I don't see you sitting there.

The Oni.


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